Freaking Out

ok, so we're just about at the 7 week mark. Scary times for first timers like myself. It's funny, before you want a child, you are shitting yourself that your period isn't going to make an appearance that month and your life will be over. Once you do just that positive test and the situation, too, is positive, you start to think of all the things that can go wrong. Why is it fair that some girls have to get abortions while others, who really want the child, lose them naturally? One will never know.

As you can see, the idea of miscarriage has been on mind much lately. After the dreadful week with the morning sickness, I saw the dr. We had an ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeat. I mean, the thing is the size of a grain of rice, but it has a heart that works! We made a baby! So now I'm hooked, it's real and I can can see the beginnings of a beautiful family. I want to lug that thing on the subway in an adorable little peanut sling, showing everyone that yes, me and my man were able to make this baby. I want it so bad I can taste it. 

So, back to the sickness. I'm still feeling like ass times a million, so I asked the doctor for some relief. She prescribed me Zofran, an anti-nausea and puking lifesaver that chemo patients use and is supposedly very safe for the baby. I took it for a few days and it was magnificent. I didn't feel the need to vomit on anyone during my two hour wait at the passport agency (if only I could say the same for the dmv the previous week..) and I was able to work without incident. That was two days ago. Last night, about 5 hours after my second dose of the day, I found myself doubled over with stomach cramps. I mean, on the floor, in the fetal position, tears involuntarily streaming down my face. It was some of the most excruciating pain I've ever been in. I took tylenol, which helped, but didn't take this trauma away. Did I mention I was at work? This was so great. So, anyway, after a few hours, the pain had lessened and now, the next morning, it's down to a dull ache. Strangely, I woke up feeling ok. I took a b6 and unisom last night, which is also supposed to help with the morning sickness, but I didn't expect to be feeling this good. I can eat and everything. It's almost too good, so I'm worried. between cramping and lessening of symptoms, there is a big neon sign in my head that keeps saying "This Thing Isn't Going To Last." And I can't turn it off. I also can't deal if that is the reality of the situation. I want this child. I want to deal with this horrible pregnancy, morning sickness, sciatica, cramping, weight gain, constipation - all of it, bring it on! I have been worried that I was taking too many meds, so I'll cut back, stop even if it's necessary. I'm pleading here, trying to make deals as you can see, but I mean all of it. I just want everything to be alright and I want us to continue anticipating the best gift ever this coming December. 

Fingers crossed everything will be ok. In the meantime, I must stop reading pregnancy message boards. They are harbingers of doom. And I must attempt to stay calm until my ultrasound on thursday...

The joys of Motherhood???

So, two weeks ago, my brand spanking new husband (we'll refer to him as Space Cadet) and I found out that I am knocked up. When I say brand spanking new, I mean BRAND SPANKING NEW (well, not the relationship, we have been together for three years.) We had been married exactly 16 days when we got this news. I mean, we were all for starting a family once we were married, but that didn't necessarily mean that it all had to happen in the same month! Needless to say, we were a little overwhelmed. Shocked, actually. I sat on the floor and cried. Not that I didn't want to have a baby, but it wasn't exactly my choice for it to happen right now. 

Space Cadet was overjoyed, something that was so odd to me because he's always been the one to say we had to wait to have kids. I was usually the one who was like "yeah, so if the birth control doesn't work properly next time... oops.." But, oh, the moment of truth, and how the tables have turned. I think that it was mainly the reality of it all. I have always wanted to be a mother, but I figured that I would feel ready at some point, like I'd reached mom-hood. I don't feel that. And there were the inevitable things that were to come along with pregnancy that I didn't (and don't) want anything to do with, like the 10 weeks of nausea and vomiting, followed closely by the massive expansion of my ass. This is still what freaks me out the most.

So, here we are two weeks later. I am still freaked out, but a little more accepting of the craziness that is enveloping our lives. I just started getting morning sickness, which is more aptly titled "constant hangover without the memories of a fun night before that lasts approximately 2 months." I have already cried 4 times and decided I can't get through this - I have only been sick since wednesday. I am starting to seriously question my ability to do this. 

The combination of nauseous, yet ravenously hungry is not something that makes me particularly happy. Today, the only thing that I can stomach without wanting to hurl is frozen pizza. Ah, frozen pizza. How ever so nutritionally sound and perfect to avoid that weigh gain which is the other thing I am so dreading. I am trying to branch out with the foods I am eating, but that will have to start tomorrow, as I have to be at work in an hour and I don't forsee being the most effective bartender in the world if I am constantly sticking my head in the sink to vomit. I don't know how I am going to face work, especially since we are not telling anyone yet about this evil creature currently forming in my uterus. I am only about 6 weeks along, so it's not yet "safe" to tell (though we have told our parents and a few close friends - I'm not shy and if I have a miscarriage, I'll tell them all anyway, so why wait? Sidebar - telling my dad was the weirdest experience of my life -I felt so guilty, like I was 17 and did something wrong. Why is this? I mean, I'm 30 and married!) I don't want to tell anyone at work, but at the same time, have no idea how on God's green earth I am going to get through the night without retching or passing out. 

Wish me luck!