Freaking Out

ok, so we're just about at the 7 week mark. Scary times for first timers like myself. It's funny, before you want a child, you are shitting yourself that your period isn't going to make an appearance that month and your life will be over. Once you do just that positive test and the situation, too, is positive, you start to think of all the things that can go wrong. Why is it fair that some girls have to get abortions while others, who really want the child, lose them naturally? One will never know.

As you can see, the idea of miscarriage has been on mind much lately. After the dreadful week with the morning sickness, I saw the dr. We had an ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeat. I mean, the thing is the size of a grain of rice, but it has a heart that works! We made a baby! So now I'm hooked, it's real and I can can see the beginnings of a beautiful family. I want to lug that thing on the subway in an adorable little peanut sling, showing everyone that yes, me and my man were able to make this baby. I want it so bad I can taste it. 

So, back to the sickness. I'm still feeling like ass times a million, so I asked the doctor for some relief. She prescribed me Zofran, an anti-nausea and puking lifesaver that chemo patients use and is supposedly very safe for the baby. I took it for a few days and it was magnificent. I didn't feel the need to vomit on anyone during my two hour wait at the passport agency (if only I could say the same for the dmv the previous week..) and I was able to work without incident. That was two days ago. Last night, about 5 hours after my second dose of the day, I found myself doubled over with stomach cramps. I mean, on the floor, in the fetal position, tears involuntarily streaming down my face. It was some of the most excruciating pain I've ever been in. I took tylenol, which helped, but didn't take this trauma away. Did I mention I was at work? This was so great. So, anyway, after a few hours, the pain had lessened and now, the next morning, it's down to a dull ache. Strangely, I woke up feeling ok. I took a b6 and unisom last night, which is also supposed to help with the morning sickness, but I didn't expect to be feeling this good. I can eat and everything. It's almost too good, so I'm worried. between cramping and lessening of symptoms, there is a big neon sign in my head that keeps saying "This Thing Isn't Going To Last." And I can't turn it off. I also can't deal if that is the reality of the situation. I want this child. I want to deal with this horrible pregnancy, morning sickness, sciatica, cramping, weight gain, constipation - all of it, bring it on! I have been worried that I was taking too many meds, so I'll cut back, stop even if it's necessary. I'm pleading here, trying to make deals as you can see, but I mean all of it. I just want everything to be alright and I want us to continue anticipating the best gift ever this coming December. 

Fingers crossed everything will be ok. In the meantime, I must stop reading pregnancy message boards. They are harbingers of doom. And I must attempt to stay calm until my ultrasound on thursday...